Anti-Independence

YAY for being moody! I think there is a cycle here. People said this weekend that my sobbing sounds like laughter. And that brought me back to how my mom started laughing hysterically at her grandfather's funeral and had to be slapped across the face. I think there is this point you tip across when you reach such sheer and out-of-control emotion that laughter and crying are indifferent. Both are this incredibe heaving and contraction of the body, both a wrenching escape of feelings torn from your throat, released into sound waves. They dont feel at all like waves they feel like stabbing. And the cold air clenches into my throat and claws it raw and pink. Im excited to take anatomy next year just to gross myself out. I dont know if Im going to be able to stay conscious while dissecting a fetal pig. But I would love to describe the supple and moistened organs, the tendons that stretch and snap one sheathed layer at a time. I hate the way this blog post is going but Im trying to not delete anything I write, which I've been doing a lot

And I know why Ive been doing it! I am anti-independent. I am the epitome of helpless. I will never be self-sufficient if I continue on this way. Im surrounded by the most supportive and loving and responsible people, thus I've never needed independence. I cant drive. I went driving for hours today and cant go more than 10 miles per hour without feeling completely out of control and like I'm falling. 10 mph is so fricken fast. I cant stick with sports unless its on a team. I cant stay home from school sick unless my parents make me, because I just feel guilty. I can make my own decisions, but only if someone validates them for me. I cant decide what to care about either-- I care about everything. Is this indecisive or is it a personality trait? I hate talking about myself. The point of this was that I dont even have my own, independent reserve of confidence. I dont need to believe Im smart with the support I have from my parents. I dont need to believe Im okay looking or kind with the loving and complimentary friends I have. I dont need to believe I'm athletic with this soccer team I'm on that has so much faith in me. Basically ...I dont need to hold opinions about myself because other people do. I dont think this is a good thing. ITS NOT A GOOD THING. there, decision made. asdlfkhaf

Today I was walking through the grocery store with my mom and we bought a lot of Odwalla and chai concentrate that you mix with milk to make iced-chai-vanilla-tea. Its SO good. And so are these whole grain crackers and organic popcorn and humuus or humus or hummus and fruit and I was thinking about how i cant wait to be the adult myself- buying healthy food! Organic, and maybe a vegetarian if I ever meet my goal. Carrying it around in a Go-Green environmental bag! Wearing clothes because they are bright and fun. Hair like Ninas. That would be wonderful. Actually, the appearance has nothing to do with it. It would be the fact that I could sing in a grocery store and not care what people thought. And walk whimsically- there is this girl that I see all the time, and my freshman-immature mind used to think she was kind of weird. When she walks it looks like she is going to fall over. Now I wish I was like her. Okay anways, all of a sudden didnt want to be the adult. I dont want to get older. Emmy told me this quote about how fufillment ruins the dream and it scared me to death. I have so many dreams. I guess an anecdote to that is to keep fufilling yourself. Youll have a lot of ruined dreams. But then I guess you just have to keep dreaming. Whatever you do, do not stop. Do not let your mind idle, dont get stuck. Like my driving today, I couldnt get out of first gear because I was too scared. Do not get scared. Dont just go through the motions, never go numb. Dont limit yourself by your own impressionability, by your intimidation by others. Im talking to myself so you can disregard all this.

Heres another thing to myself. You called me all summer, and I avoided you. Its still on my mind. It wasnt because I didnt want to see you. I think youre the coolest person, I am in awe of you. And you were calling only ME, requiring me to independently pick up. Not my friends, who thought it was a little creepy you kept calling. And because of my goddamn anti-independence I didnt call back once. Actually, I called back once at 2 in the morning because I knew you wouldnt pick up so I could clear my name. I still see you everyday, in the safe setting of school. So scared I was of getting to know you alone, and disapointing you. And youve forgiven me, behind those smile lines and crinkled eyes. How can you still care to spend time on me? I need to get out of this rut. Im stuck in first gear. Thank you for your unconditional patience, and I owe it to you to let you know that its because you were too good for me that I never picked up. People say to stop idolizing people because youll just get dissapointed. Thats not the case for me at all. Not one of my targets for fixation have ever dissapointed me. I think I realize now that I should stop idolizing because it hurts them more than me. Not only does it trap them into a box of inhumanely high expectations. But it made me scared to get close to you because I was so intimidated. The fact that you werent some idol God means you were probably hurt and confused by this. All because youre an actual human. And I'm an actual human. And so is Theodore Roosevelt, and Jerry Garcia. So am I. So are you.

My mind is hyper extending itself I need to calm down and go eat some fruit. Fruit fills me up with so much vivacious, natural life. PS random shoutout, when I think of the word vivacious I think of Emily Glick. Anyways, fruit fills me up, just like the first chords of King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1 by NMH does when blasted loudly. Ive been listening to a lot of Grateful Dead and Paul Simon but its not the same when its not summer and you cant open the windows. Fuck that, I can open the windows. Next time I will.

One reason that growing up might be okay is because Ive always kind of had this notion that Erin would be there with me, because she represents this pure warmth that will always exist for me for as long as I know her. One reason growing up might not be okay is because- actually Im not going to think about growing up anymore. My dreams will extend into 24-hour segments. Im going to go get some chai.