oh my darling clementine

today my tea said:

When ego is lost,

limit is lost. You

become infinite,

kind, beautiful.

i think its a nice thing to aspire. i wonder if there is a particular process to lose ones ego, or if thats what the complications, ditches, pit-falls, and trials in high school are for?

im trying to write everyday so that everyday i will be forced to notice one awe-inspiring thing because there are trillions in every 24 hour cycle and often we worry too much about ourselves and trivial things to notice small treasures. like people who you dont know who smile at you.. shoutouts to bees knees monkey tease kamikaze derexces for being so sympatico after school today. when i go through all day (especially certain long blocks) doubting and self-worrying the whole time, its nice to feel worthy of maybe being "discovered", rather than limited or embarassingly stupid, and boi you notice small things often. i dont know how your such a bright intriguing and passionate kid with such a small esophagus. its loco

im ahead on homework. i know things will come down eventually but by then ill hopefully have something else pulling me up. but for right now i want to thank everyone who said hi to me in the hallway today, especially the slaps in the face, stomach, side, the trips and hugs that lifted me off the ground, kisses, giggles, glares, and akward smiles. high school is fascinating. its teeming with interaction. i dont know how to savour one thousand different tastes at the same time

but right now life tastes kind of like a fruit. i like the sound of peeling clementines, and biting into their raw and plush insides. the slow tear of their flimsy, gauze layers, vibrant orange tears that condense into beads from tooth punctures. i feel like eating fruit is like biting into life. i feel like people are like this too. peel away layers and their exceedingly bright, full and buoyant.

and running up my frosted driveway to be smacked in the face with still and warm house-air. clawed up and down the legs with paws like knives. an example of a no longer baby/puppy who hasnt lost that distinctive vivacious and unconditionally loving spirit. its as refreshing as the frost, and the constant lift in the corners of my dads hardy handlebar mustachio. why do a display of teeth convey such contentment? smiles mean a lot to me i guess

darling, im lost

everything i have loved has turned to stone