...and then what?

the ghost said, take off both your shoes
whatever chances you get
especially when they're wet


last night i got a visit from the ghost of corporate future reminding me that however much the world has changed and everything ive held as true has been swept clean from my fingers, leaving no crumbs behind, leaving no dirtballs in my pockets to cling to, that no matter how significant 2009 has been and how much meaning i can stuff in its every shelf; its not as though any of this is gone, but its reduced in magnitude and importance and urgency by such exponential size that it almost ceases to exist. and consequently i felt this sense of everlasting in my infinesimal state. and i got a little bit tired and sour of blogging about myself. i do that so very often in conversation to people, and afterwards feel a bit out of place. intrusive. and the same as when i started the conversation. i think sometimes i talk just to shade in silences that had been mellowing into that akward hue. so i scribble over it. im not really saying anything. why am i scared of silence

my new years resolutions were very personal things that were along the lines of stopping myself from hiding blindly (or rather, blinding myself) in the face of the unknown, and to anticipate and undermine this incredible sense of intimidation i get from others. when we counted down that night i didnt know what was going to happen. After the gleeful ten (9,8,7,6,5,4 of impatience) three, the anticipatory two, the prolonged one... and then what? a bloated pause, the inevitable burst, the exclamation and the joy. so much worth and symbolism that this one instant in eternity was decorated with, and yet Lifetime ahead hasnt even noticed

im trying not to leave the little things in my life unnoticed. im trying not to make the ones in my life ever feel little, or unnoticed. im trying to transcend this pit of thoughts and leave nothing unembraced.

so for a start on the less vague and overthought..
-->ive always hated wearing socks and shoes and sarcasm.
-->i really appreciated when Emily said it was like waking up in a cocoon, because it was warm and gauzy and a slow realization into the world of awake and how you hugged me and validated that i hadnt stolen the covers. such simple goodness. you started my day on the right foot
-->i also want to express never ending gratitude to people's "innate goodness" and that raw, blossoming laugh that speaks of joy as unfaked and unfazed as the person it emits from
-->oh yes, and to the very last 9 months of my life that made me feel a sense of belonging not only to a person, but in a structure of things. that this what that comforting mutual state of both being possessed and possession feels like. when an absense of those cold hands is actually an absense of warmth, and how im addicted to warmth, because this is what it feels like to love a person, and that love for anything is insatiable. and for helping me to be honest because usually i am not
-->also for the "hug it out bitch" tink sandwhiches which are the most delicious things ill ever be a part of because ill have them for the rest of my life, and there is nothing more everlasting and satisfying. (FAMisFAB)

people make you nervous
you'd think the world was ending
and everybody's features have somehow started blending
and everything is plastic
and everyone's sarcastic
and all your food is frozen, it needs to be defrosted
you'd think the world was ending