kaleidoscope

Today my mom asked me if I wanted to go for a walk in the woods with her? And then mumbled under her breath in a sarcastic whiny typical teenage voice "nooooooooo mom" ..so I had to say yes.

At first it was sort of a disaster. Knowing that nature is a beautiful thing, I commanded myself to notice everything. With my head up, I was faced with a kaleidoscope of shifting images, shadows like mirages criss-crossing the path. I couldnt tell tree from outline from shadow from space; it was all zebra-striped and glimmering white fluff, insubstantial but solid in its frosted sting. Cold feels so sharp. But it was like a dusted layer of glitter, and surprisingly soft. I tried to make sense of this overcrowded scenery that I was so unnaccustomed to, and in these efforts I tripped. Multiple times. Over ditches and clawing roots that werent there anymore as soon as I looked down in scorn. I decided on concentrating on being able to walk without falling from now on, so I kept my gaze to the ground. Tree branches raked at my unaware face and pulled at my sweater. Either way, I was being massacred. I kept shivering and sneezing, this winter didnt want me here, it was exiling me from the inside out. It was so still and placated and eerily watching as I walked through and around its inner peace. But I couldnt get into it, I was too bustling and clumsy and removed from my natural self.

I wished it was summer, and lush. I wished it was green, and I could be barefoot. My flat and wide snow-boots werent really made for outdoors-- theyre made to keep away cold, but what part of them fits into the many crevices of forest? Maybe the toe section, although even that was too large too fit into the tiny dents and impressions that made up the path. I decided to take pictures of things and dissect them later. My camera died. I angrily questioned myself as to why my mind couldnt settle, why the harder I worked to belong here, the more my fit was skewed? I was trying too hard. Honestly it must be called nature because its supposed to come naturally.

So I'm not really sure what changed after that, but I played the part better. I didnt merely walk, I skipped or jumped when the urge came and probably looked weird but I didnt trip once. I stopped a lot of times, one time was listening to the stream as it undulated under the raised layers of ice. It gurgled like a contented baby. It also sounded a little like pleasure. The rivers having sex! crossed my mind and I knew media and popculture had found itself way too far into my brain. I think I need to go outside more often. It struck me how open the earth was- how its so hard for humans to be open and honest , yet here was the earth, vulnerable even to perfect strangers to this path. And here I was trampling on it. So I tried to be more gentle, and go unnoticed. But its like walking in late to a room of many people.. everyone goes still and watches you. That was how I felt. But then I realized it probably hasnt even noticed me. It possibly does not give a shit about me. I felt like a child in its immense mystery and knowledge. I thought about how the earth was so swift, yet immovable, so finite and infinite. How arrogant my assumptions were that it was here for me, rather than the direct opposite of that.Such a vast and unconquerable thing this earth, for upon enslaving it we enslave ourselves, ruining it will be our ruin. How resignedly Earth allows itself to be so closely connected to such ignorant and brutal things as humans, how much faith it must have, or how much lukewarm and still patience. I dont know what else I'm trying to say here. I think we all need to be a bit more conscious.

It's time to be so brutally honest about

The way we know we long for something fine

When we pine for higher ceilings

And bourgeois happy feelings