There are two things that really stick out in my mind. One would be on the way back to Ems house, when it was really cold. So what started out as an "im-cold" whimper turned into little high pitched squeals. Then you yelled and we were full out screaming, each different pitch of scream molding into one, mind-obliterating scream of utter anguish and wrath at the cold cruelty that sneaks up so quickly. My throat was torn raw for like a full minute. We could see our breathes in the car.
The other is being collapsed into that nook in your bed. The tremors we passed along through hands clutched in the others hair, dress, leg, I didnt even know who was who but all clung together in the fetal position. Ms. Fink told us that when people are upset they curl up into that position, that innate position that meant comfort even before you were born. Shrinking back into ourselves, except this time we brought each other with us. The grief that coursed through our interlocking fingers.
Oh and I also remember look at me and those icy blue eyes that drew me gasping right back to the surface. Go numb and numb and numb. Its little flashes in my head, little images and little clips of speeches. And how beautiful you looked. And dissolving into moans again in the car on the way home from soccer- that was when I drew the line to shut myself up. I stared at the streetlights that blurred into a flaring spectrum of light around each orb as it drew closer and past. My parents background chatter out of the corner of my ear. Trying to pronounce words in bostonian accents. Now New Yaawk accents. I shoved all thought out of my mind, which is a strangely foreign experience for me. I cant remember the last time I felt nothing. This is how we deal?
I hate writing about myself so much, but please forgive me and chalk it up to these last posts being a purging.
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